Paul Ryan Introduces Health Care Coupons

Paul Ryan Introduces Health Care Coupons For All

Racine, WI

U.S. Representative? Paul Ryan of the 1st Congressional District in Wisconsin announced today that after much criticism he is re-branding his health care voucher proposal in his document "The Roadmap for America".  Health Care "Vouchers" will now be known as Health Care "Coupons" or HCC's.

When asked about the change, Ryan elaborated.  "When I introduced the Roadmap for America I included a section that would phase out company subsidized health care coverage.  Most workers get their health care through their employer and I think this system has to be replaced.  Costs have been shooting up over the years and all of those cost increases aren't good for business.  For that reason I've decided to focus those cost increases back to where they belong - individuals.  In order to do this, I will eliminate the tax incentive for businesses to provide health care coverage to workers and then after employers drop their health insurance coverage, I would give everyone a voucher for up to $5,500 to purchase their own health plan."

"The problem with this system is that people found out that the average health insurance policy costs $13,000.  By only providing individuals with $5,500 that got some people upset!  Honestly I didn't think anyone would actually read the Roadmap so in that aspect I'm honored.  Regardless, this caused something of an uprising in my district.  People like getting their health coverage through their employer and having them pay for part of it.  That's when it occurred to me:  What do people like better than their health care coverage?  Getting a deal!"

That's why I'm changing the name of the Health Care Voucher to Health Care Coupon.  Everybody loves coupons.  The great thing about coupons is that no matter how expensive something is, if you have a discount for 30% you'll think you just got a steal!

Take my wife for example.  She saw a pair of jeans at Macy's for $250.  Now, there is no way she would ever purchase jeans for that much money - that is until she got a coupon in the mail for 25% off.  With 25% off, how could she possibly say no?  She went from spending $250 on jeans to saving me $62.50 by buying the jeans.  I feel richer already.  That's when it hit me.  Even with a really crappy deal like my $5,500 voucher for a $13,000 plan, I could probably get away with it if I called it a coupon instead.  I can tell the country I just saved them money!  Look at how expensive this health care is and how much money I saved you Wisconsin!

The other advantage of calling the health care voucher a coupon is that there is a good chance that grocery stores might start selling health insurance.  They already have banks, optometrists and pharmacies.  Why not health insurance?  My hope is that on double coupon days, consumers can stop into their local grocery store and pick up some health care coverage with their milk at a heavy discount.  Imagine the marketing possibilities!  I'm already in talks with Walmart about it. 

These are free market solution that America needs.  The budget deficit is out of control and America is going broke.  With my plan, The Roadmap for America - we go from spending money on health insurance to saving money on health insurance. 

So check your Sunday paper and start clipping away!  Are you down with HCC?  Yeah, you know me!

Paul Ryan to Setup New Business Venture

Not so long ago, Representative? Paul Ryan voted against financial reform.  Yes, he voted against regulating the very industry that nearly brought down the entire global financial system.  The same industry that he decided to bailout with billions of tax dollars of TARP funds.  I guess he figured "hey, lesson learned.  We can't regulate business because that would be bad for business!  It isn't like it could ever happen again!"

So let me get this straight - he was willing to financially reward organizations and CEO's that through bad business and corrupt decision making brought our economy to a halt; but is then unwilling to vote for consumer protections that would help to ensure it doesn't happen again?  Taxpayers got stuck with the bill while Wall Street executives made out with ridiculous bonuses and golden parachutes.  Paul Ryan was showing the love!  It sounds like a pretty sweet deal for Wall Street.  You could call it a free ride even.  Privatize the profit and put the risk on the public.  Nice Paul, really nice. 

It got me thinking about Paul Ryan's love affair with Wall Street and how he could take that love of the Wall Street game and make some serious money (apart from campaign contributions).  That's when I saw a commercial for Southwest Airlines where they were advertising that "bags fly free".  An idea was born.  Enjoy.

RACINE - August 5, 2010

PAUL RYAN ANNOUNCES PAUL RYAN AIRLINES

After years of catering to Wall Street from Washington, D.C. Paul Ryan has decided to take that expertise to the friendly skies.  He has announced his resignation from Congress to embark on a new adventure as owner of Paul Ryan Airlines.

Paul Ryan Airlines will specialize in what Paul Ryan does best - serve Wall Street.  He business plan includes a targeted marketing campaign focused on frequently flying Wall Street executives.  When asked about this strategy, Paul Ryan said:  "I'm targeting the most productive members of our society.  The ones that actually create jobs and command top dollar for their talent.  That and they're the only ones in this country with any money left."

Service is the name of the game for Paul Ryan Airlines.  In a move to help unemployment in Kenosha, Ryan will be hiring unemployed auto workers from the Chrysler Plant to carry the Wall Street executive's bags.  Ryan said, "After I voted for the Wall Street bailout and then against the bailout for the auto industry a lot of people were upset and said I favored Wall Street over Main Street.  I can understand that and I hope to make it up to all of the laid off auto workers in my district by giving them these jobs carrying bags.  It might not pay nearly as well but it will give them back their self esteem if they got lazy living off of unemployment benefits.  I don't consider myself a great man for doing it but maybe a little greater than yesterday.  That's all anyone can hope for."

When asked if he'll miss politics, Ryan added:  "Yes but I'm not going away completely.  My customers demand the best and when it comes to the best I think they should get the best tax cuts.  I plan to lobby Congress to make sure the Bush Tax Cuts that I supported and didn't pay for are continued for the top wage earners."

As part of the announcement, Paul Ryan displayed a banner with a tag line for the new airline.  It reads:  "Paul Ryan Airlines - Where Wall Street Flies Free."

"I fell in love with this the minute I saw it.  By free I don't mean literally at no cost although that would be ideal.  I would like it if Wall Street Executives could fly free because then they could travel to all parts of the country to scout out new places to create jobs with the tax cuts they just got.  But no, when I say "free" I'm talking freedom!  This is a free market economy and that's why I voted against regulation.  Wall Street doesn't need to be held back with regulations, they should be free to create whatever they want regardless of the consequences and not have to pay a price for it in any way later.  That's called the free market and I like to think that is what I have created here."

Paul Ryan is seeking a loan from the government for his start-up company and plans to open the VIP doors on April 15th, 2011.  The public is not invited to attend but you can request a reservation after passing a very quick income validation.  Reservation requests should be sent to:

 Paul Ryan

145 Washington Insider Way

Washington D.C.  50111

If you get lost please request Paul Ryan send you a roadmap.  They weren't very popular around the office so he has plenty left.

Not So Breaking News: If Paul Ryan's Roadmap is so awesome then why doesn't his own party support it?